Cross-Functionally Synergistic, Blockchain-Flavored Ham

A spiral-cut ham scored into a diamond chain-link pattern, studded with clove nodes, and glazed in four sequential, un-undoable coats of bourbon, miso, pineapple, and coffee, each one locked in hard before the next goes on. A final honey layer fuses all four departments into one glossy, synergistic finish.

Serves 14 · as served on Bluesky ↗

Diamond-scoring a ham always puts me in mind of the chain-link fence out behind my father-in-law's shop, so when the word "blockchain" showed up in this order, I figured that pattern could finally earn its keep on something besides a backyard. Cross-functional just means I raided four different corners of the kitchen - the liquor cabinet, the soy sauce shelf, the fruit bowl, and the coffee pot - and made every one of them pull their weight before they ever touched the meat. The blockchain part is the real trick, though: four separate glazes, brushed on one at a time, and I don't let the next one go on till the last has baked in hard and locked. Nothing later in the process gets to undo what an earlier layer already decided, which is more discipline than most committees manage. I studded the crosshatch with whole cloves for good measure, little nodes holding the whole chain together, and finished with a honey coat that fuses all four departments into one shiny agreement. Ends up tasting like four different kitchens actually got on the same page, which, let me tell you, is a minor miracle in any organization.

Ingredients

Fresh

• ½ cup brewed coffee (strong, cooled)

Fridge

• 9 lb bone-in spiral-cut ham, fully cooked (spiral-cut)
• 2 tbsp butter

Pantry

• ½ cup bourbon
• ¾ cup brown sugar (packed)
• ⅓ cup white miso paste
• ¼ cup soy sauce
• 2 tbsp rice vinegar
• 1 cup pineapple juice
• 3 tbsp dijon mustard
• ½ cup honey

Spice rack

• 3 tbsp whole cloves
• 1 tbsp black pepper (cracked)
• 1 tbsp smoked paprika

Directions

1. Preheat the oven to 325 degrees, then score the ham in a tight diamond crosshatch about a quarter inch deep, and press the whole cloves into every intersection, like nodes holding a chain together.
2. In a small saucepan, combine the bourbon, brown sugar, and butter, and simmer until syrupy, about 5 minutes - this is block one. ⏱ 5 min
3. In a bowl, whisk together the white miso paste, soy sauce, and rice vinegar until smooth and set aside - block two.
4. In another bowl, whisk the pineapple juice and dijon mustard together and set aside - block three.
5. In a small bowl, stir together the brewed coffee, black pepper, and smoked paprika and set aside - block four, last one on the chain.
6. Set the ham cut side down in a roasting pan, cover tightly with foil, and bake until warmed through, about 1 hour 30 minutes. ⏱ 1 hr 30 min
7. Uncover and brush the bourbon glaze evenly over the whole ham, then return it to the oven for 15 minutes until it bubbles and sets - block one is now locked in, no going back. ⏱ 15 min
8. Brush the miso glaze directly over the set bourbon layer and bake another 15 minutes - block two chained on top of block one. ⏱ 15 min
9. Brush the pineapple-mustard glaze over that and bake 15 minutes more - block three added to the ledger. ⏱ 15 min
10. Brush on the coffee glaze as the final coat and bake 15 minutes, until dark and fragrant - the chain is closed. ⏱ 15 min
11. Brush the honey over the entire ham to fuse all four layers, then broil 2 to 3 minutes until glossy and lacquered, watching it the whole time so it doesn't scorch. ⏱ 3 min
12. Let the ham rest 15 minutes so the glaze sets hard, then slice along the spiral cuts and serve. ⏱ 15 min

made with This Recipe Does Exist — it does, you know